Is there a list of Pentium jokes? I NEED one! :-) No, no. You meant to say you need .999856738903. You want a list?? Here is .999856738903 ======== Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people. ======== Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist. ======== Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: Warning label. ======== Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations. ======== Q: Complete the following analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above ======== Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605. ======== Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"? A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee! ======== TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM 9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside ======== NEW SLOGANS Intel inside, but can it divide?!? Close enough for government work. And the 0.000000000001th new Intel slogan for the Pentium: We give you the most megaflops. ======== PENTIUM = Practically Everyone Now Thinks It's Useless for Math ======== PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics ======== PENTIUM = Processor Errors Numbering Thousands In Users Machines ======== INTEL = Incredibly Nonchalantly Telling Evil Lies ======== INTEL = I Never Test Enough Logic ======== Did you hear Intel's new motto? "United we stand, divided we fall." ======== .... News Flash .... (that used to be news eprom....) There is no national debt!!! The country's books have been kept on a Pentium, and everything is really OK. Details at 11, after Bill (that's Clinton, not Gates) gets Quicken installed on the national Mac. ======== Q: What new instruction are Intel working on? A: BDV - Branch Davidian. ======== On the tee-shirt of an inlined skater in Mountain View: "I asked for a refund on my Pentium, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" ======== Q: What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium? A: Repentium. ======== Q: What does the element Pentium decay into? A: Inert silicon with the emission of a press release. ======== The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just Precision-Impaired. ======== Intel business executives have been so stressed by staying up late at night trying to figure out what to do about the Pentium Problem, that they're past the floating point. ======== I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today... ======== "Intel inside: What's a few places of innacuracy? Who needed more than 3.14 anyways?" ======== Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill being developed as a replacement for RU-486??? Its called RU-Pentium. It causes the embryo to not divide correctly. The generic name for the new pill will be "Preventium". ======== Q : What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A1: Successive approximations. A2: A random number generator. A3: A really expensive space heater. ======== At Intel, Quality is Job .99999998!! (semi-plagiarized from Microsoft's "Quality is Job 1.1 !") ======== The Pentium says: 4195835-(4195835/3145727)*3145727 = 256 ---- But is it right? Hmm, figure it out in your head, and you're more accurate than the Pentium.... ---- ======== The top ten reasons to buy a Pentium machine 10. Your current computer is too accurate 9. You want to get into the GUINNESS BOOK as "Owner of most expensive paperweight" 8. Math errors add zest to life 7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S. 6. You want to see what all the fuss is about 5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff 4. The "INTEL INSIDE" logo matches your decor perfectly 3. You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating 2. You got a great deal from JPL And the #1 reason to buy a Pentium machine: 1. It'll probably work ======== Intel Inside ============ "Intel Inside!," Intel vied, with ample pride world wide in guide "Proven and tried!". "Intel Inside!" Budgets sighed; millions buyed; RISC sales dried like ancient bride. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide! Scientists cried, fit to be tied, and numbers fried. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide!! Pi's pied when FDIV died and accuracy denied. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide? Executives hide from "outside" during Intel bide on warranty decide. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide?!! See "Thalidomide". (Taken for a ride.) Intel lied. Vernon R.J. Schmid ======== New logo for IBM, DEC, HP, Compaq, etc., PC's: 'Intel Aside' ======== Secondary products resulting from the impact of excited Pentium particles on stone walls include 'Resentium' and assorted Alpha particles. ======== Pentium specification errata: Addition -> Ambition Subtraction -> Distraction Multiplication -> Uglification Division -> Derision; i.e., LDIV -> LDER Please update your manuals. ======== Intel has finally located the bug in the Pentium's floating point unit: It was a praying mantissa. ======== Did you hear that Intel says the error would only be realized by a user every 27,000 years? Funny, I don't feel that old. ======== Intel -- The new standard of accuracy ======== Pentium, the computer your kids can relate to: it can't do fractions either. ======== Does Intel use a buggy Pentium to calculate the quarterly dividends for its stockholders? An interesting question, to be sure. ======== Something is for sure: Intel used a Pentium to calculate the 27000 years it takes to give an error. ======== Quality is indivisible... ...or is it? ======== Intel Inside? Don't Divide! ======== Definition of fraud: knowingly selling bad chips as good for five months. ======== I gather that FDIV bit off more of the mantissa than it could chew. ======== 2 + 2 = 100 (base 2) = 11 (base 3) = 10 (base 4) = 4 (base 5 and higher) = 3.9998736 (base unit containing a Pentium) ======== What's the difference between an Intel Pentium and a Ford Pinto? None, really: the flaw and the company's attitude about it really burn you. ======== What's the difference between a Thalidomide pill and a Pentium chip? One causes deformities on the outside, and the other is deformed on the inside. ======== How do you use a Pentium machine so that you get correct calculations? Steady your hands against it so you are not shaking your slide ruler. ======== What's the difference between Intel's executives and Richard Nixon? Even Nixon had ethics once in a while. ======== You are at a remote research station. If you had a choice between a bag full of Pentium chips and a bag full of nacho chips, which would you choose? The nacho chips. Both bags will give you heartburn, but at least the nachos would help you survive. ======== You have heartburn because of your Pentium microcomputer. How do you spell relief? p - o - w - e - r - p - c .... ======== Now that the Pentium has been "fixed", does that mean it cannot "multiply" now? ======== Geesh, with a simple div problem now, I hate to see what happens when Intel dump CISC for RISC and has to write an emulator for the x86! ========